totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
