My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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