my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
vagina is talking i cant
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
