Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
