i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
