Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
