can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
