Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
