Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
