I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
