apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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