Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Green mimosas i think yes
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
