So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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