when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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