I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
