McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
