There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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