He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
