I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
