Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
