I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
