one word: firstdatebathroomanal
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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