Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
