Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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