the condom got lost in my hair
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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