if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
