I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
