be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
