there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
