my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
