I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
