Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
