What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Randomize