I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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