Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
