There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
