be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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