alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize