so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i've created a new STD.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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