We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
