i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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