If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
