With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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