"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
