I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
