everyone is single if you try hard enough
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
