i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
