so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
