So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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