My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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