i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
