If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
