I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
