I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
