If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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