I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
