Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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