i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
50% drunk capacity currently
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
