I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
