I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
