can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
