Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize