OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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