i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Shame - the story of my life.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
