Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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