If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize